I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I wish you could order shots online.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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