Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
