Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
