i think my tv is drunk
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Randomize
