You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
