Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
