if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You have to summon your inner elephant
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
