She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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