apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
