Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
