My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
