why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
