I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
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just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
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I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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