that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
