I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
