new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I could make wine with my vomit
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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