the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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