it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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