I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
