I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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