my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
