Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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