You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
This is the high leading the old right now
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
