Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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