I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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