All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
