Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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