I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
