I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
