When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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