I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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