i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I am available for nakedness
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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