He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She's the barista slut.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
