my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
There's a naked man in my car right now.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
