At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
