i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
