dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
