Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
