So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Randomize
