I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
