mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
