Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
