My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
