My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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