My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
