Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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