the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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