i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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