Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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