New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
