it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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