nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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