if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
