She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Randomize
